At DebtGoal.com, we hear this theme frequently:  spouses have a hard time working together to accomplish their financial goals.  Although there are a lot of variations, most problems stem from a difference in financial goals, attitude toward money / finances, financial management capabilities, or willingness to do the work to manage finances.

Now none of us has any family therapy training at all, so we’re going to tread a bit lightly and leave the tough cases to Dr. Phil.  But we do have a few steps that can work for most people if they have reasonably similar goals.  As a warning, let us just say that this is a time consuming process, so set reasonable expectations.  You’re not likely to get this accomplished in just one setting, so take it step by step and have as many discussions as it takes.  If you have multiple discussions, discuss what you will accomplish in the next session and what each of you can do to prepare.

Setting Goals and Creating a Plan

OK.  Here we go.  Dr. Phil, watch out!  Work through the steps one at a time.

1. Talk to each other and discuss your situation, your feelings, and goals.  You don’t really need any data to do this.  Do you have the same goals?
2. Look at the data.  What are your finances?  What is your trajectory?  If you continue your trajectory, can you meet your goals?   What needs to change and by how much?
3. Propose specific goals.  If it helps, do a Google search on SMART goal-setting techniques.  As a couple, you want to create a goal that is Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic, and Timebound.  An example of a good goal is paying off all credit card debt by a specific date.  Why worry about SMART goals?  Simply put, without really defining the specifics around your goal, you can’t really create a plan to get there.
4. Create a joint plan.  Identify what you need to do as a team to accomplish your goal and break it down so that each individual knows what is required.  This is more common that you’d think.  Couples decide on joint spending goals, for instance, only to have one show up with new golf clubs (or shoes) that weren’t in the plan.  It’s not their fault-they think the joint plan will make up for it.  If it’s your partner pulling this stunt, you’ll be upset because the sacrifice must now come from you.
5. Create a structure to succeed.  It may or may not be obvious, but if you have well-defined individual and joint goals, but don’t have the structure to achieve it, you’ll likely fail.  So make it easier by choosing a structure that aligns with your goals.  If you have broken spending into his spending, her spending, and joint spending, choose separate accounts so that each person can easily track and be accountable for their spending.  In this case, having just one credit card is a recipe for disaster as neither person will have the visibility to how they’re tracking on their responsibility.

Resolving Conflicts

During this process, you’ll have to work through differences.  Here are a few pointers for resolving conflicts:

1. Identify barriers or concerns.  This is harder than it seems, because often people say something but really mean something else.  Or they may not be able to precisely identify the source of unease.  Either way, both parties really have to listen and ask the other about their feelings or views.  Practice active listening and restate often so that your partner can confirm or clarify your statement.  Above all, work to uncover true feelings or positions.
2. Resolve concerns.  After identifying the true source of conflict and concerns, work to resolve them.  Sometimes this can be done by talking through your partner’s concerns in the context of the goal to help them understand how they are actually aligned.  More often than not, there will be legitimate points of difference where you may have to compromise.  If you can’t reach compromise, revisit the goal to see how it can be restated to relax the concerns.
3. Come to agreement.  Once you’ve resolved concerns, define the specifics so that you have a clear path forward.

What to do if you can’t reach agreement?

This is where it gets tough.  If your goals are roughly aligned, you may be better off with a compromise that gets you closer to a goal that you can agree to even if it’s not your ideal goal.  Start with a goal that you agree to and then revisiting once you have a track record.  You may find that with experience working together you can come together on goals that used to divide you.

If you can’t agree and you feel that your partner’s habits are destructive to your financial situation, you have tough choices to make.  You can do nothing.  That won’t solve the problem, but it may be best for the relationship.  If your problem stems from administration (your partner doesn’t want to do the work to manage the financial goal) you can offer to do it all.  Try to get them to agree only to their part and take on the rest of the goal.  However, if you go this route, pay particular attention to the structure to make sure that your partner’s actions don’t tank your efforts.  For example, if you can get your partner to limit personal discretionary spending to a specific dollar amount, try to agree to a structure where they have a checking account with a defined amount of money each month rather than a credit card where there won’t be a defined constraint.

Working together as a couple on financial goals can be very rewarding or very frustrating.  The key to success is finding common ground where you can get it and agreeing to something that’s doable.  Even if it’s not the ideal solution, if you can find a way to work together to build a track record, you have a better chance of getting on the same page in the future.

Scott Crawford is CEO of DebtGoal.com, a do-it-yourself system for getting out of debt and lowering your interest costs.  DebtGoal.com incorporates all of the techniques discussed in this post and can help users understand and get visibility to and manage their debt finances.